N-U-G-G-E-T-S 

Literary Compendium 

Containing as great a variety, in style and subject- 
matter, as is compatible with a volume 
of such small compass. 

OOO 



By 
CHARLES PENDLETON KEMPER, A.M., L.L.B. 



OOO 

too 

PBICE Wk CENTS 



-O-OO 



From Library of Southern Literature, 

Vol. XV, Page 234. 

"He is the author of a number of dialect poems, including "Dem Back 
Times," "A ^ew Year Idyl." "In Sassafras Diggin' Root Time," and others 
of like charm and power, recalling the old days of the South." 

Edwin Anderson Alderman, L.L.D., 
President University of Va. 

Joel Chandler Harris, Lilt. D., 
of Uncle Remus Fame. 

Charles William Kent, M.A., Ph.D., L.L.D., 
Professor of English Literature, &c&c. 

—editors. 






Dedicated to 

WOODROW WILSON 

and 

JOHN SHARP WILLIAMS 



©CI.A692B85 



•nr-€) I 



^^ 



INDEX 

Page 

Modernized Aphorisms _ 5 

Tlie Political Bee - — 19 

The Tiger In His Lair 20 

Auto-Ego-Mobilitis 21 

Poeta Nascitur — Non-Fit 22 

Lawyers 23 

That Cruel Law 23 

Sunday Laws, Etc. 24 

The Filibusters c 25 

TRUE AMERICANISM - 27 

Jupiter Pluvius 30 

Tlie Laddies of Fame... 32 

We're A Long Way NOW From Altruria 33 

Helen Keller 34 

That Club Sandwich 34 

A Miracle Man 36 

IN MEMORIAM 37 

(iod and Man 38 

The Aesthetic Dancer 39 

To a Charming Brunette 40 

To Jeanette 40 

His Golden Crown 41 

The Blue Bird 42 

That World War 43 

O'er Life's Stony Road 43 

The Titles THREE 44 

Eggs-Actly So 44 

IN "SASSAFRAS DIGGIN' ROOT TIME" 45 

DEM BACK-TIMES 46 



PRESS OF 

The Mississippi Printing Company 
vicksburg, miss. 



MODERNIZED APHORISMS. 



Modernized Aphorisms 



GOLD AS AN IDOL. 

Those who worship gold, in a world so addicted to Mammon as 
that in which we live *** have onq strong- plea, at least, in defence 
of their idolatry * * * the power of their idol. 

True it is, that, like other idols it can neither move, see, hear, 
feel nor understand ; bvit, unlike those, it has often contributed all 
these powers to the men who liad them not, and destroyed them in 
those who had. 

Again, this golden idol is distinctly sui generis (i. e. peculiar), 
in that it is worshipped in all countries without a single temple ; and 
by all classes *** without a single hypocrite. 



DRESS. 

Not every man can afford to wear a shabbj^ coat: and worldly 
wisdom dictates to her followers, the propriety of "dressing beyond 
their means," but of living, within them. 

For, all we meet see how we dress, and very few *** how we 
live. 

But, the truly great, by universal suffrage, are not bound by any 
of the trammels of fashion ; and may live and dress * * * as they 
see fit. 



THE PURSUIT OF KNOWLEDGE. 

Knowledge is to be sought wherever it can be found; for, like the 
fern- tree, it grows in all climates, and like coin, its circulation is 
unrestricted. Mr. Locke, the celebrated essayist, was asked how he 
had contrived to accumulate " a mine of knowledge, so extensive 
and so deep?" 

His answer was * * * * that he attributed "what little he knew," 
to not having been ashamed to ask for information from all kinds 
and conditions of men * * upon those topics that formed their own 
professions and pursuits ; and that, having obtained it, to place it on 
safe- deposit in his storehouse of memory * * for future use. 



INTIMACY WITH THE GREAT. 

He who may enjoy intimacy with the great, and, upon no occa- 
sion, disgust them by undue familiarity or disgrace himself by x^atent 
servility * *■ has fully proven that he is as much uplifted by nature, 
as his distinguished, associates are by their rank. 



MODERNIZED APHORISMS. 



RELIGION. 



Many men argne for religion * * write for it * *tiglit for it; and 
some have died for it ; but few men do, tliat wliicli is far tlie best 
course * * live for it ! 

THE GREATEST MAN IN HISTORY. 

Julius Caesar has been held to be "the greatest man in history". — 
in that he was, at one and the same time, the greatest Statesman, 
the greatest Warrior and the greatest Writer of commentaries, of his 
era — a fact Avhich has applied to no other one man. 

And, when we consider that Julius Ceesar, Pompey, Brutus, Cato. 
Atticus, Livy, Cicero, Horace, Virgil, Horteusius, Augustus and 
Marcus Varro were contemporaries and were, also, at the same time 
living within the walls of the same city, Rome; the phrase "Roma 
virum genitrix" (Rome the mother of men), announced by Publius, 
was. equally apt and true. 



HEALTH versus WEALTH. 

(Note the difference between the two temporal blessings. — • 
Health' and Wealth!) 

Money is the more envied, but less enjoyed: Health is the more 
enjoyed and less envied; while the great superiority of the latter 
over the former is still more obvious, when we reflect that the poorest 
man would not part with his health for* money ; whereas, the richest 
would gladly give all their Wealth' for Health. Latest reports, how- 
ever, from the richest man in the world to-day, assure us that he 
need not worry over either of these blessings; since he has them 
both in fullest measure, and is somewhat likely to live to enjoy them 
to the century mark. 



THE DEVIL AND LAUGHTE'R. 

'Tis said, "If the Devil ever laughs, it must be at hypocrites — 
the greatest dupes he has ; for, serving- him better than others, they 
receive no wages, and worse still they submit to greater mortifica- 
tions to go to Hell than do the most sincere religionists to go to 
Heaven. 



A MAN KNOWN BY THE COMPANY HE KEEPS. 

"Noscitur a Sociis," (a man is known by the company he keeps), 
is a time-worn maxim, which applies to books as well as to one's 
fellowmen; since good books are as rare as the good companions of 
the genus homo. 

Let a man read trash (the literary woods are full of it) ; and that 



MODERNIZED APHORISMS. 7 

man soon becomes an unfit companion for those who seek higher 
planes of thouglit, the basic principles of correct living- and a real 
and substantial enjoyment of the, at most, brief temporal existence, 
given by the God of Nature to the race of men. 



THE GOLDEN RULE. 

An old writer declares that, "Do unto thy neighbor as thou 
would'st that he should do unto thee," the sacred saw which forms 
the golden hinge of our relig'ion, rests and revolves upon the fact 
that "All men are the same," at all times and in all ages : that the 
proverbs of Solomon still apply with fuH force, because that 'wisest' 
man' knew the mankind of his day ; and there has been and can be 
no variance in their average make-up. For, even now, as five 
thousand years ago, men "shiver with frost, pant with heat — are 
cold in their gratitude and ardent' in their revenge." 



THE GOOD LISTENER. 

One aphorism, of ancient origin, has survived the buftetings of 
Time itself. It runs thusly: "Were we as eloquent as angels, wo 
could please some men, some women and some children — much more 
by listening than by talking." 



VIRTUE AND TRUTH vs. VILLAINY. 

That "Virtue will prevail," or that "Truth will triumph," because 
of the inherent quality of their excellence,, is erroneous. 

The ancient maxim "Villainy that is vigilant, will be an over- 
match for Virtue if she slumber at her post" is, per contra, correct. 
For, the partisans of the former, knowing they have a bad cause, 
exert e^^ery energy to bolster up their evil designs; while the friends 
of the latter, too confident in the merits of their cause are apt to 
"slumber at the post" ; and Villainy wins out. 

Hence, now, as in the past. Virtue and Truth must look to their 
laurels and be ever on the alert. 



DEAN SWIFT — A DISCUSSION. 

'Tis said that Dean Swift, of English renown, when entering 
upon that melancholia which fully stripped him of his mental pilot- 
age, opened his lips in speech once only in seven years ; and. on that 
occasion, gazing intently at an oak tree whose head had withered 
from age^he exclaimed with deep feeling: "I shall be like that 



8 MODERNIZED APHORISMS. 

tree — I shall die at the top." His prophetic vision was soon veri- 
fied in that, at and before his death, his mind was gone. 
A poet then Avrote these pungent lines : 

"Then ask not length of days, that giftless gift: 
Better far, like Wolfe to die, than live like Swift ; 
Who, with prophetic plaint, his doom divined. 
His body made a living tomb of mind; 
Rudder and compass gone, of thought and speech, 
He lay a mighty wreck, on Wisdom's beach." 

And yet: 

Is the poet's logic good, merely because Wolfe died immediately 
after his glorious victory upon the Plains of Abraham, and that 
Swift lived, for years, with a disordered mind? 

Assuredly not; for isolated cases never establish a well-founded 
rule. 

On the contrary, to the large majority of great men "length of 
days" has been a priceless boon in their rounding out their plans for 
the betterment of their fellowmen, for their own more matured and 
higher pleasure in living, after the fires and imprudences of youth 
are extinguished; and for a better preparation for the life beyond 
the grave. 



AUTOCRATIC POWER. 

Power will intoxicate the best hearts, as old wine the strongest 
heads. Admitting this, no man is good enough or wise enough to be 
trusted with an unlimited power; for whatsoever equipment he may 
seem to possess, to entitle him to be entrusted with so dangerous a 
privilege; yet, when it is bestowed, others can no longer answer for 
his acts, because he can no longer answer for himself. 



BOOKS. 

Many books require no thought on the part of their readers ; for. 
the very simple reason that, originally, they made no such demand 
upon their writers. Such books are to be read for recreative purpose 
only ; and may well be merely skimmed. Hence it is clear that the 
most valuable works are those that set our thinking faculties into 
their fullest operation. 

For, as a brilliant writer phrases ib "Just as the light of the sun 
calls forth all the latent powers and dormant principles of vegetation, 
contained in the kernel which, without such stimulus, would neither 
have struck root downwards nor borne fruit upwards; so it is with 
Intellectual light; it calls forth and awakens into energy those latent 
principles of thought, in the minds of others, which, without this 
stimulus, reflection would not have matured, nor action embodied." 



MODERNIZED APHORISMS. 



MORALITY. 



The usual question, in cases of doubtful morality, is "Is there 
any harm in doing- this? And, it is, oftentimes, best answered bj' 
asking ourselves: Is there any harm in letting it alone? 



MAN A PARADOX. 

Man is an embodied paradox : a bundle of contradictions ; and as 
some set-olf against the marvelous things he has done, we may 
fairly adduce the monstrous things he has believed ; for folly will 
always find faith, wherever impostors will find impudence. 



DIAMONDS AND GENIUS. 

The singular and distinctive values of diamonds, the reflectors 
and refractors of certain marvelous physical beauties ; and the clearly 
similar reasoning) that gives to "Genius" its extraordinary power, are 
well worth considering. 

A distinguished writer, of former days, aptly says: "The most 
signal peculiai*ity and most valuable characteristic of the diamond is 
found in the power it possesses of refracting and reflecting the 
prismatic colors : this property it is that gives fire, life and brilliancy 
to the diamond: other stones reflect the light as they receive it, 
bright in exact proportion to their own transparency, but always 
colorless; and the rays come out as they went in." 

We may now assert that what the diamond effects as to the sun's 
light (it is well to remember that all light as well as heat, is derived 
from the sun) that which is called genius among men, in like manner, 
performs its miracle with things intellectual. 

For, Genius can refract and reflect the surrounding rays called 
forth by the rtiinds of others, and can divide, arrange and assemble 
them, with such a triumph of precision, simplicity and elegance 
that they are returned, not as they were received, dull, spiritless 
or monotonous; but filled Avith fire, lustre and scintillant life. 

Those who have heard such orator- geniuses as Bob Ingersoll, 
Henry Grady, John Temple Graves and others! of that ilk, can readily 
appreciate this contrast. He who runs may read. 



APPROVAL. 

We follow the world in approving others ; but we precede the 
world in properly approving ourselves. 



10 MODERNIZED APHORISMS. 

SECRETS. 

No one is so fond of secrets as he* (or she, perhaps?), Avho does 
not mean to keep them. Such persons covet secrets as a spendthrift 
covets money for tlie purpose of — speedy circulation. 



FAILURES IN LIFE. 

Many men imagine their failures in life to be due to lack of those 
g-reat opportunities ■which seem to bring- honor and renown to certain 
of their contemporaries ; but it happens, oftener, that the true cause 
is based on the fact that they did not take advantag-e of the lesser 
occasions (which, invariably, come to all) to establish an unimpeach- 
able character for trustworthiness and confidence, in small things ; 
so as to attract the great occasions as unerringly as "the North 
polar regions draw the magnet." 

For those alone are permitted to reap, who have previously sown. 



HUMAN KNOWLEDGE. 

Human knowledge is even permitted to approximate, in some de- 
gree to that of Deity — its pure and primary source. For example, 
what once appeared, at first sight, so insurmountable a barrier to the 
intercourse of nations — as tlie ocean spaces and the "realms of air?" 
And yet, human knowledge has devised the ocean- greyhounds, the 
dirigible and the heavier-than-air aeroplanic machines to sweep away 
the bars. 

Consider the "violence of steam," the destructiveness of fire, the 
uncertainty of the shifting winds and the seemingly uncontrollable 
impulses of the waves ! 

Yet, Art has rendered all these unmanageable things instrumental 
and subsidiary to the necessities, the comforts and even the 
elegancies of life. 

What so hard, so cold and so insensible as marble? Yet, the 
master- sculptor can warm it into life and bid it breathe "an eternity 
of love." What so variable as color? Yet, the brush of the master- 
painter can give these fleeting things both a body and a soul, can 
confer upon them a vigor and a beauty that increases with age ; and 
will continue to captivate the oncoming generations. 

Human knowledge, in short, derived from the impalpable essence 
of Divinity itself, can draw "the expedient from obstacle," "inven- 
tion from difficulty" and eA^en "remedy from poison." 

In her hands all things may become beautiful by adaptation, sub- 
servient in their use and salutary by their application ! ! ! 



MODERNIZED APHORISMS. 11 

PEDANTRY. 

Pedantry takes pride in "being- wrong by rules" ; wliile common 
sense contents itself in "being right," without them. 

The former worships the "mouldering- mummies of antiquity" 
and her will is that tliey be not burned, but embalmed. She would, 
in fine, have Truth herself, bow to the authority of precedent ; while 
common sense would have precedent to bow, to the authority of 
truth. 

Folly disgusts us less by her ignorance than Pedantry by her 
learning ! ! ! 



PRIDE IN PERSONAL SUCCESSES. 

In order to give a proper perspective to our pride in the various 
successes for which the world may accord us undue credit, it be- 
hooves us to check up what we owe to others, in their accomplish- 
ment. 

To illustrate, it is said that the gi-eat Philip of Macedon received 
three messengers in one day, who, severally reported (1) His victory 
over the Illyrians. (2) His winning the great race at the Olympian 
g'ames, and (3) The birth of Alexander. 

His personal pride might have been disproportionate, had he not, 
as an elegant writer phrased it, remembered "that, for the first, he 
was indebted to his General, Parmenio ; for the second, to his' horse : 
Bucephalus ; and his wife is shrewdly suspected of having helped 
him to the third." 



POSTHUMOUS FAME. 

Fame, after burial, is like the trumpet- tones of the Archangel 
Gabriel; for it is blown over the dead. 

But, unlike that prophetic blast, it is of earth — not of Heaven ; 
and can neither rouse us nor raise vis ! ! ! 



A RETURN OF SPIRITS. 

A Spanish story has it, that all the physicians of Madrid were 
suddenly alarmed by the wholesale intrusion of the ghosts of their 
defunct patients. In fine, their offices were so besieged by the 
spectres of the dead, that there was no entrance room for the living. 
It was soon discovered that one medico, of no special repute, and 
living- and practicing very obscurely, was pestered by only one of 
these unearthly visitants ; so, all Madrid flocked to him for treatment : 
and he "got all the fees" until his brother-practitioners brought forth 
the unfortunate discovery that this single ghost, Avhen alive, was the 
only patient that ever consulted him ! ! ! 



12 MODERNIZED APHORISMS. 

SIIOKT TIME ENTERTAINERS. 

Many men, who are very entertaining, for a first interview; have 
])roclucecl their full "stock in trade" of ideas, anecdotes and recitals; 
so that upon a second meeting, their conversation becomes "flat, stale 
and improfitable." 

For, unlike the phonograph, tliey have no new records for their 
machinery. 



A MODERN DIOGENES. 

A Avriter of the last century proclaimed that "A modern Diogenes 
would use his lantern, "lighted in day-time," for the purpose of find- 
ing a rogue rather than an honest man ; because the former skulks 
and hides, avoiding the light, while the latter has his character al- 
ready discovered by his deeds. 

Tliat writer erred In his interpretation of "The ancient Diogenes 
and his lantern in broad day" ; for it is evident that the cynic iihiloso- 
pher merely meant to couA^ey to the onlooking world, that there is 
"no sicli critter" as an honest man. For, perfect honesty means 
honesty AAdth your fellowman, honesty with yourself and honesty 
with your God. 

And no such man ever existed. 



HAPPINESS AS THE CHIEF END FOR MAN. 

It is agreed that "Happiness is the chief end," for which men 
must striA'e. A well-managed use of pleasures, therefore, is neces- 
sary, for the fulfillment of his aim. 

For, pleasures are exceedingly A'oracious and, like Aaron's serpent, 
certain of them are prone to SAA^allow the rest. For example, hard 
drinking will soon destroy the poAver; gambling, the means; and sen- 
suality — the taste, for other pleasures less seductive, but far more 
healthful and lasting; since they are pure. 



WISDOM AND ERROR. 

The AAasest man may be AA'iser to-day than yesterday and to- 
morroAV than to-day. Total freedom from change implies total free- 
dom from error; and that condition belongs to Omniscience alone. 



MODERNIZED APHORISMS. 13 

A LEAGUE OF NATIONS — WISE STATECRAFT. 

Wise statecraft, the world over, would rather preserve peace than 
gain victories in war; because it knows that "All war is waste," and 
that the most successfvil war leaves nations generally poorer and 
always more profligate and demoralized. 

The triumphs, then, of truth and equity are the most glorious; 
because being "the most bloodless of all victories they derive their 
bnghtest lusti'e from the number of the saved — not of the slain." 

It follows, therefore, that a league of nations to enforce equitable 
arbitration, as a substitute for ruinous war, is indispensable to a 
sound civilization. 

* * * * 

PROHIBITIONS. 

In the distant past, Mahomet forbade his followers the use of 
wine: the Sultan of Turkey discouraged Learning for his subjects, 
and Leo the Tenth denied the study of the Scriptures to the laity. 

The first prohibition was, presumably, because wine is destructive 
to discipline ; the second, because despotism is based upon the ignor- 
ance of the gOA^erned, and the third, because the interpretation of 
holy writ by the laity, might not accord with that of the pontifical 
hierarchy. 

How much better a moderate use of wine, education for all and a 
general knowledge of the truths of the Scriptures ! The present era 
might easily be made, in many ways, better than the past. 



PHYSICAL AND MORAL COURAGE. 

Physical courage will make a man brave in one way, moral courage 
braA'e in another. Some hold tliat the one is necessary for the soldier, 
the other for the civilian. Colonel Prescott, a man of wide experience 
in ' both peace and war, expressed the opinion that both kinds of 
courage are of equal importance, in the military or civic arena — for 
true greatness. And, no thinking man can dissent from that logical 
view. 



TAXES. 

There is one passage of the Scriptures Avliich seems to be approved 
by all the laAvmakers of this day and generation, to- wit: "There 
went out, in the days of Claudius Caesar, a decree that all the world 
should be taxed." 

Income or out- go, it matters not Avhich, 

On all things a tax, to the "very last ditch." 



14 MODERNIZED APHORISMS. 

THE BEST RELIGIOUS DOCTRINE. 

Sir Richarcl Steele affirnied the difference between tlie cliurch of 
Rome and the cliurch of England to be, that "the one professes to 
be infallible; the other to be never in the wrong." 

The best doctrine for Religion, according to the great Latin 
philosopher, Publiiis, is this : "Let there be harmony in things es- 
sential, liberality in things non-essential, charity in all." 

Of course, that writer phrased it in the Latin tongue. 



HONOR AND VIRTUE. 

Honor is unstable, and seldom the same ; for it feeds upon opinion 
and is as fickle as its food. 

Virtue is uniform and fixed; because it seeks approbation from 
Him, only, who is the same "yesterday, to-day and forever." 



A WARNING. 

An old saying has it "The stars are discoverable by darkness and 
hidden only by light." 

In like manner, many a fraudulent scheme is shrouded from 
view by the seeming open candor, lionesty and publicity on the 
part of its promoters. In such cases "Cave lucem" (beware the 
light), will apply. 



WIT AND REASON. 

There is no quality of the mind or body that so instantly and 
irresistibly captivates as Wit. 

Yet, Wit is evanescent — while Reason endures. 

Sometimes, however. Wit and Reason run together. For ex- 
ample: "A certain Bishop once said to his Chaplain, what is wit? 
The Chaplain replied. The rectory at V is vacant; give it to me 
and that will be wit: prove it, said the Bishop, and you shall have it." 

Certainly, your Reverence, quoth the Chaplain, the reason stands: 

"It would be a good thing — well applied." 



FORTUNE — A SEER. 

Fortune has been called "The Guardian Divinity of Fools" and, 
for this, has been dubbedl "Blind Chance." 

Why not, per contra, give her the credit for perspicacity and 
kindness; when she helps those who, manifestly, cannot help them- 
selves ? 



MODERNIZED APHORISMS. 15 

JEALOUSY. 

Jealousy, of all the passions, is that Avhich exacts the hardest 
service and pays the bitterest wages. 

For, its service is tO) observe the success of our rivals ; its wages 
to be sure of it ! 



PREJUDICE AND ENTHUSIASM. 

(Both Delusive.) 

Those who are easily prejudiced, or the overly- enthusiastic "live, 
move, think and act" in an atmosphere of their own imagining. 

In fact, these two qualities of the mental make-up go hand-in- 
hand in their influence; and their delusions, due to such state of 
mind, are sometimes deplorable, often ridiculous and always without 
remedy. 

An amusing anecdote, of ancient vintage, will illustrate this dual 
condition. It seems that an eccentric old maiden lady, of the time 
of Charles the Second, and a most determined espouser of his 
claims, was the proud possessor of a beautiful canary ; Avhose noted 
vocal powers were, at once, the annoyance of one group of the 
old lady's neighbors and the admiration of another. 

Lord Peterborough, of the former group, like a few men of our 
day, held that "Music hath charms to sootli the savage breast! only"; 
and so decided to rid himself of the nuisance of the etei'nally- voci- 
ferous birdling. He bribed a servant, of the old lady's household, 
to substitute another bird, the exact counterpart of the singer, but a 
mute. 

On the day following the exchange, the battle which utterly 
ruined the hopes of the Pretender (Charles the Second) took place. 
Shortly after, his lordship determined to smother any suspicion of 
the trick he' had played ; and so he called on the old lady, with that 
intention in his mind. 

His surprise was great, Indeed, when, upon entering her salon 
that deluded old royalist greeted him with "Would you believe it, my 
lord? my sweet little fellow, in the cage there, lias not uttered a 
single note, since his gracious sovereign was defeated. Her delusion 
was complete. 

Again, we have a most striking example of "erroneous impres- 
sion" due to over-enthusiasm, in re- — a lively football contest recently 
staged in our modern world, not many moons ago, at our very door, 
in Mississippi. Before the game, the adherents of the one team 
presaged, predicted and prejudged that their opponents had not "the 
ghost of a chance" against their doughty veterans of the gridiron. 

But disappointment awaited them, since the result turned out to 
be 27 to 7 against them. 

On the other hand, flushed with victory and misled in their 



16 MODERNIZED APHORISMS. 

turn by over- enthusiasm, the victors were lieard to proclaim tliat 
they were "an unbeatable bunch." It is clear that such a claim is 
an unwarranted assumption for any athletic aggregation ; and so, 
in either case, positive delusions existed, due to Prejudice and En- 
thusiasm. 

But, after all, "Human nature is ever the same'" as declared by 
the jDhilosopher. 



THE LIBERTY OF THE' PRESS. 

Except the "liberty of the press" be destroyed. Autocracy can no 
more exist in a nation, than that night can happen before the sun 
is set. 



THE MOB. 

A mob, like the ocean, is seldom stirred up without a cause stronger 
than and outside of itself; but both are capable of doing their greatest 
mischief, after the cause which first set them in motion, has ceased 
to exist. 



LOVE BETWEEN THE SEXES. 

Love, between the sexes, is an alliance of friendship and of desire. 
If the former predominate, it is a passion exalted and refined ; but if 
ihe latter prevail the more, it is a feeling gross and sensual : where 
the two are equally balanced, it is human nature at its average. 



A DICTUM OF SOLOMON. 

Solomon said, "Thei-e is nothing new under the sun"; and his 
dictum is approximately correct; for Destruction, even, has, perhaps, 
caused as much novelty as Invention ; for the latter is, often, a mere 
revival of that which we think to be a discovery. 



PLEASURE AND WOMEN. 

Pleasure is, to women, what the sun is to the flower: if enjoyed 
in moderation, it beautifies, refreshes and improves; if immoderately, 
it withers, deteriorates and destroys. Again, as to women, domestic 
duties, practiced as they must be, in retirement, and calling forth all 
the sensibilities and refinement of the female, are, i^erhaps, as neces- 
sary to the full development of her charms as "the shade and shower" 
are to the rose-^ — assuring its beauty and increasing! its fragrance. 



MODERNIZED APHORISMS. 17 

THE USES OF AN INCOME. 

A "noble income — nobly expended" is a somewhat uncommon 
occurrence; but when it does happen, let the beneficent philanthrop- 
ist remember that "what is spent rationally, shall be enjoyed; and 
that which is distributed to the deserTing — shall be both enjoyed and 
retained." 



PURE TRUTH. 

An old writer says: "Pure truth, like pure gold, has been found 
unfit for circulation." The statement is true, perhaps, because men 
liave found that it is far more convenient to adulterate the truth, 
than to refine themselves. 



THE EXCESSES OF YOUTH. 

The excesses of youth are drafts upon the season of old age, pay- 
able with a high rate of interest some thirty or forty years after date. 

As, for instance, cigarette- smoking, loss of sleep, booze- fighting 
and other notable indiscretions. 



A MAN'S BELIEF. 

The man who believes only what he can comprehend, must, for- 
sooth — have either an abnormally long head, or else an exceptionally 
short creed. 



A FALSE CREDIT. 

Many gain false credit for liberality of sentiment in religious 
beliefs, not so much from their courteous regard for the opinion of 
others, as from the fact that they have no certain opinion or con- 
science of their own. 



RIDICULE. 

Just as common decency requires all who attend places of re- 
ligious worship, however much they may differ from the doctrines 
taught, to behave with seriousness and gravity; so, also, in religious 
controversies, ridicule should never be resorted to on either side. 

In fact, the surest test of error is the use of jest or ridicule to 
establish a truth. 



13 MODERNIZED APHORISMS. 

A CONTKAST OF HOPE AND FEAR. 

Hoi:>e and Fear, the two qualities of the mind almost exact op- 
posites, have been called "of the earth — earthy: the pale and tremb- 
ling daughters of mortality"; and the postulate is correct. 

Fear anticipates suffering; while Hope looks forward to enjoy- 
ment. After death neither can exist; for to a spirit in Heaven, in 
the enjoyment of supreme happiness, there can be no need nor 
room for hope; while to the unfortunate soul in Hell, where the suf- 
fering is "fixed, final and full" — Fear cannot exist. 



CASTING PEARLS BEFORE SWINE. 

The simile "Like casting ■ pearls before swine," is a statement 
that strikes, primarily, at lack of the power of appreciation for 
excellence. It matters not Avhether this occur thru ignorance of 
value, contemxJt for the merits of others or utter indifference towards 
any production other than one's own — it applies, with equal force, 
in all such cases. 

Nor, should the ultra- sensitive human resent such a comparison 
because of the "status" iuA-olved in the mention of a "lower animal" 
in its expression. For example, the writer fully appreciates that an 
intelligent dog has, for fidelity, loyalty and gratitude, the average 
man "backed off the map," as the colloquial phrase puts it, and he 
Avould feel complimented to be likened to such a canine. There is, 
assuredly, no reproach in such a comparison. In like manner — 
whenever a man, thru ignorance, conceit or indifference fails to ap- 
preciate gems of thought, beauty in diction or excellence in imagery, 
which are brought to his notice the time-worn simile " 'Tis like 
casting x^earls before swine." applies, whether he like it or not. 

A statement of fact cannot be an insult. 



RHYTHMICAL SATIRES. 19 



Rhythmical Satires 



THE POLITICAL BEE. 

(It bitetli like a serpent and stingeth like an adder.) 

Foreword : 

A rhythmical satire, 

By the Muse, on a spree . . . (intellectual) 

Right aptly y'clept, 

Ye Political Bee! 



You may classify every known kind of mosquito. 
Whose sting afhicts humans, with dangers untold; 
And you'll find that they, none, have a poison completer, 
Than the sting of an insect, whose fame we unfold: 
Y"ou may mention the house-fly, th'stegomyia fasciata, 
The anopheles "creeter," of malarial matter; 
The tarantula, the rattler, the alert stinging-adder, 
Y'et, a virulent virus, with influence far saddei-. 
Is found in the sting, as you clearly may see, 
Of th' insidious small varmint. 
The Political Bee! 

(It punctures all bonnets.) 

Tliere is nothing can stop it, neither powders nor screen, 
It goes Avhither it listeth, incognito, unseen; 
But, it gets in its work, full as deadly, and dire, 
As a roasting by Satan with his brimstone and fire : 
It strikes at the mind, of all human kind, 
Deep down and effective, it makes them all blind. 
To aught, save one fact? that they be surely ordained. 
To "save the dear peepul" ; who in* their turn are pained, 
To think that they, ever, the sad day could see, 
When such men are stung by, 
The Political Bee: 

(As sung in these sonnets.) 

Men, of all callings, lawyers, merchants and clerks. 

Men, whose mental machinery moves smoothly or "jerks" 

It matters, not how, when once they are stung, 

They are bound for Fame's ladder, to the very last rung; 

Mechanics and teachers, clod- knockers and preachers, 

With a few of th'unclassified, unqualified creatures; 

Join the mad throng, as it scurries along, 

The strong with the weak and the weak with thei strong, 



20 RHYTHMICAL SATIRES. 

Intent on their goal, with soul all a' glee, 
When stung by the deadly, 
Political Bee: 

(With malice so free.) 

It matters not whether*, they know any law, 

Any principle, maxim or time-honored saw; 

Philosophy's rules from the highest of schools, 

Experience and Training — with them spell disgrace : 

They can no more be statesmen (for they're g-overned by rules"!. 

Than that frail human fiat, could the planets displace!! 



L' ENVOI. 

O ! populi ! populi ! let our Muse well advise. 
That you pass by these tyros, and stick to the wise ; 
Whose proved wisdom and service, Avith your interests agree. 
Whether stung or not stung by — 
That pestiferous, omnivorous, 

P-O-L-I-T-I-C-A-L B-E-E!!! 



THE TIC4ER IN HIS LAIR. 
(A. D., 1917.) 

The water-wagon poets write * * "The country's going dry," 
And we note the dearth of Bourbon and the paucity of Rye ; 
But while these mournful murmurs, fill the circumambient air, 
Remember, all ye topers, that the Tiger's in his lair! 

He may seem blind and helpless, but preserving his incog'. 
He will spike the jolly julep, and the holiday eggnog; 
He will fill the clinking glasses, with both sour-mash and Rye, 
Notwithstanding the sad ditty, that * *the country's going dry. 

Prohibition, lo !, is one thing, prohibiting another. 

So, t'will save much bootless bother, to our good reformer brother 

If he evolute some method, some legislation rare. 

That will rout the wily Tiger, and expel him from his lair. 

Else, the Tiger still will linger, as all malingerers will. 

Purveying and distributing, the juice from every Still; 

As long as earth has whisky * * * ; and her xjeople, everywhere. 

Will "stroke the skulking Tiger," as he lingers in his lair. 

E'en Old Kaintuck' may legislate, and Virginia "follow suit," 
Fi-om Maine to California, and a host of states * * to boot; 
But. till all get together, the beast will ever dare. 
To dally with the bug-juice, while lingering in his lair, 



RHYTHMICAL SATIRES. 21 

John Barleycorn, cliscredited, will yet rise in his might. 

Till his voluntary votaries, behold some wondrous light ; 

Rhine out upon the horoscope, of their empyrean sky, 

That more potently can prove it, that the * * country's going dry. 

lieligion well' mayi try her hand, to "bring about the right," 
To purge the soul, the mind, the heart * * from miasmatic blight; 
But, till you strike the lurking- beast a "body-blow" quite square, 
He still will gnash his deadly teeth, protected in his lair. 

Again, the "bone-dry" statutes rise, and raise a mighty shout. 
But, even they, in vast array, will ne'er the Tiger rout ; 
Until * * they join their forces with a plan more clearly fair, 
Constitutional and proper, 'gainst the "Tiger in liis lair." 

Note! here it is * * * we have it: it is fundamental law. 

That may? quell the grim old Tiger, and bring rescue from his claw; 

The Nation, as a nation, must take the field and try. 

To prohibit manufacture; then * * the country may? be dry!!! 

(A. D., 1922.) 

And, the Nation did, attempt it, her Constitution was amended. 
And yet, the sale of "bug- juice," is, by no means, out or ended; 
For, Jack Volstead's grim amendment, is so badly drastic-ated, 
That e'en, by worthy citizens, it can't be masticated: 
The remedy is "on. the book," with the cause just barely 'rested, 
For * * what can't be mastic-ated, is hard to be digested!!! 



AUTO-EGO-MOBILITIS. 

Before Taking — 

Once lived a man, named D'Aubignay, 
Who drove a little one-horse shay ; 
And, when lie saw me on the way. 
Invariably, he'd stop and say — 
"Hello! friend K! how goes the dajl" 
Come join me, in my one-horse shay. 

After Taking — 

But, now, he drives an auto-car. 

And whether near or whether far; 

He' speeds along the road, by gar. 

Like an eccentric shooting star: 

Not seeing friends, or near or far, 

Lest t'would, perchance, his speeding mar. 

Now, wouldn't that your senses jar? 



22. RHYTHMICAL SATIRES. 

Apology — 

But. blame liim not ! he lias the "craze," 
As through each labyrinthine maze; 
Pedestrian coat-tails, he will graze; 
Forgetful of, those other clays. 
When, safe and sane, he drove his shay. 
Throughout the livelong, restful day. 

Result — 

Alas ! his present reckless flight-is. 
The sad result of — 'MOBILITIS ! ! ! 

Reformation — 

He read my pome ; and, I must say, 
He tooki it in a pleasant waj^ ; 
And, far from waxing quite profane, 
Forthwith, went back to "safe and sane," 
Treating his good friends just alike, 
Be they on foot, in auto or on bike. 



POET A NASCITUR — NON-FIT. 

(The poet is born, not made.) 

'Poeta nascitur, (is) non-fit," 
Of the poet, long since, has been said; 
And the poet who said it, 
Had probably read it, 
In the works, of another one — dead. 

Quoth he, to himself: 

'I shall turn aphorismic; and quote what I've read as my own. 
Although plagiaristic, I'll play the Wise Mystic, while I retail what 

others have known." 
He forgot this addendum, forsooth; to-wit, this is it: 
'Tis a rule of Dame Nature, that all men are born-^Avlth some talent, 
Though they hap' not to shoAV it : it applies to the warrior. 
Statesmen and poet (put that into your cranium! in your memory 

stow it) 
To the blacksmith, the cobbler, the farmer, the lawyer: 
To the wheelwright, the bootblack, the banker, the sawyer; 
To the sailor, the merchant, the doctor, the teacher: 
To the actor, the actress, the junk-man and preacher; 
In fine, to the callings of each human Creature ! ! ! 



'Tis, in fact, for us humans, a Nature-al rule. 

That adorns the philosopher; and fits well the fool. 



RHYTHMICAL SATIRES. 

LAWYERS. 

All lawyers are tricksters, quoth Muggsy Malone, 

In a class by themselves, they stand all alone ; 

For, the more that they know, of the science of law, 

The more skilled they become, to avoid her sharp claw, 

Reaching- out for tlieir clients, who, bereft of all schools, 

Have trampled her statutes, or broken her rules. 

They put in their pleadings, and write up their briefs ; 
With a confidence, inspired by ex parte beliefs : 
While they rake, 'mid the embers of a decadent past, 
For decisions of Courts, that, long since, breathed their last. 

They "Wherefore and whereas," from Beersheba to Dan, 
As each angle of vision, they earnestly scan ; 
But think what you may, and refute all you can. 
They stand by their clients to the very last man ! 

Therein lies the reason, quoth Muggsy Malone, 

Why LAWYERS, as craftsmen, stand so all alone. 



THAT CRUEL LAW. 

Some did drink, their whisky mixed, 

And some did drink it raw ; 

While some took their'n, with fruitlets fixed, 

Some juleps, through a straw: 

But now, we're circumflumuxed — by. 

Jack Volstead's Cruel Law. 

No more the cooling, clinking ice, ' 

Can Summer's heat assuage; 

In chilling Rye and Bourbon, nice. 

For Solon or for Sage : 

For now, Old Prohib's got us in his self-righteous claw 
And we're sadly circumflumuxed — by, 

Jack Volstead's Cruel Law. 

They say Volstead- Jack, is cousin-first, 
To barleycornic — JOHN; 
Then why did Jack bring such a thirst. 
Cousin John's dear friends upon? 

Yes, drive the truth', thirst-weary friend, 
Down, deep, in your maw: 
We're woefully, circumflumuxed — by. 

Jack Volstead's Cruel Law. 



24 RHYTHMICAL SATIRES. 

"hoy say — no patronymic synonym, nor basic kindship rule, 
Could e'er be taught to Volstead-Jack, 
At any altruistic, reasoning- school : 
And so, alas. 
He was out- cast; 
And so, alack. 
They sent him back. 

Straight home to his Maw and Paw: 
So now, thru spite, 
I trust I'm right. 

We, all, are circumflumuxed — by. 

Jack Volstead's Cruel Law. 



And yet — there's, red-hot Scotch for the Idle Rich, 
And white-heat Lightning, for those in the ditch; 
Neither, charged with that soothing, seductive delight, 
That went with fine Bourbon and well- mellowed Rye, 
With their p-u-r-i-t-y, bright as the stars in the sky, 

Oh! what a sad, malodorous, heart-rending Plight!!! 

Where will it end, and can it e'er mend, 
Ttie morals, perverse, of our Nation? 
Yes, I will allow and most cheerfully vow. 
It may hap' toward the end of CREATION; 
Or, per-hap in the next generation. 



SUNDAY LAWS, ETC. 



HUMAN NATURE NEVER VARIES. 

Human Nature does not vary, with the passing of the ages. 

And the world's been always peopled — with, both silly boobs and 

sages. 



We've in mind those simple moralists; who rally 'round a law. 
And place upon the "sorry" list, all. who shoot not from their taw: 
Though their taw be set in error, though their claims be filled with 

flaws. 
They become a "holy terror" through their ignorance of the laws. 
They seem, never once to reckon — with the fundamental plan, 
That establishes the EQUITIES, that; exist t'wixt man and man! 

Though 'tis true that human nature doesn't vary. 

With the passing of the ages ; 

Though the Avorld contains us all — -superficialists and sages ; 

Still, our rightful NEEDS do vary, from many a different cause. 

And so, some go contrary to some "nincumpoopic" laws. 



RHYTHMICAL SATIRES. 25 

Wliicli creep into our Statute Books, without — or I'liyme or I'eason; 
Wliose breacli is merely Liberty, witliout a trace of Treason : 
For, clearly, they're directory — by no means mandatory ; 
E'IseAvise, my moralistic friends, 
T'would be another story. 

But, he who knows the principles, on which "legal rights" 

Are founded ; can see, with clearest vision. 

Where certain laws do not apply : 

And gaze, with sad derision — on those ignorant of the WHY? 

For, they sadly need a training, in law and equity; 
And, being trained they'd be restrained, 
And "let their neighbors be" : 

And leave it to the oiA'ic powers (o'ft called "The Powers That Bo") 
To regulate the Days and Hours, 

for Peace and Harmony ! ! ! 



Yes, my friends, our Human Nature does not vary, 

With the passing of the ages : 

The world will e'er be peopled — with, 

US silly boobs and sages. 

So, legislative Solons, all, oh ! why not get together, 

And give to all their peaceful rights, according to their tether? 

And restore, once more, a restful sleep, 
To TOM JEFF'S restless wraith; 
By trearting certain citizens, 
According to their FAITH. 



THE FILIBUSTERS. 

(Written within the session of Congress, 1915, in which Senator 

Burton, of Ohio, spoke for fourteen solid hours versus 

Tlie Rivers and Harbors Bill.) 

T'was once thought brilliant honor, to be seated in our Senate: 
And we've envied all the men — it, 
Used to hold ; 
But Avhen they "filibuster," poor Honor's lost her lustre, 
While the business of the nation, 
Grows so cold, 
That, to resuscitate it, when they so insistently belate it. 
Is a feat would test the prowess, 

Of the bravest Knight of old! 



26 RHYTHMICAL SATIRES. 

Remedial Tactics. 

Then keep the Senate "seated," till orators, overheated. 

May scarcely know their craniums from their heels, 
But, will know how it feels, 
To be "obstructing- legislation," 'gainst the interests of the nation: 
A veritable infant school, 
Of twisty, slippery, eels ! 
Or if voluminously talking, why not keep them walking, 

Forbidden every chair-arm for a seat? , . 

If the Kaiser Willielm had 'em, he speedily would sad- em. 

And, possibly, might mad-em. 

But, in a jingling jiffy they'd be beat ; 
For, they'd have no reinforcements, from the East or from the West, 

No Field Marshal, with land forces or with boats. 
But, Mr. Marshall, Chairman, always a strictly fair-man. 

Could, by these self- same tactics, 

FORCE A RECORD of their VOTES ! ! ! 



While the Mississippi River., which' now runs all a'quiver, 
With resentment, at the treatment it's receiving; 
Will resume its proud decorum, when a non-obstructing QUORUM, 
Will pass the BILL — its* greatest needs relieving!!! 



(Note: — Parts of these verses were quoted by one of our most 
distinguished senators and are incorporated in the Congressional 
Record. ) 



SPECIAL SELECTIONS. 27 



Special Selections 



TRUE AMERICANISM. 

There has neA'er been a time, in the liistory of our country, ?.n 
which a clear conception of true Americanism lias become so neces- 
sary in order to safe- voyaging, for the future, our I^Jiip of State. 

I cannot conceive a stronger vs^ay in, v^^hich to phrase our duties 
to our common country, than by offering the foUovi^ing Decalogue of 
Faith and Loyalty, as a fitting NATIONAL CITIZEN'S CREED, to 
be firmly held in the minds and hearts of the individual members of 
our great American Republic. 

And, I beg the reader to Aveigh, carefully, the intrinsic import- 
ance of each word of its utterance; since, thus viewed, it becomes, 
by the elimination of all surplusage, a boiled-down summary of the 
real declared faith of each and every true American citizen. 

First — 

I believe the governmental sj^stem of the United States of 
America, instituted by the Declaration of Independence; ad- 
vanced through the Articles of Confederation, and perfected 
under the Federal Constitution to be the most admirable civic 
plan ever devised by human intelligence. 

Second — 

I believe, with faith absolute, in the axiomatic princixDles, 
upon which our Great Jeftersonian Document is based. 

Third— 

I believe a Nation's Sense of Equity — to be the truest cri- 
terion of its civilization. 

Fourth — 

I believe in the general education of our entire citizenship 
to the highest point — of efficiency and happiness. 

Fifth— 

I believe in freedom of conscience, in all that pertains to 
the worship of God, the creator of the universe. 

Sixth — 

I believe in giving abundant aid to the oppressed of other 
lands, who may rightfully? claim from us a haven for rest and 
opportunity. 

Seventh — 

I believe in thorough development of the vast natural re- 
sources of our great country ; for the present usufruct of our 
real citizenship, combined with a Avise conservation plan for 
the benefit of our posterity. 



28 SPECIAL SELECTIONS. 

Eighth — 

I believe Democracy to be the only just and equitable social 
system for the human race ; the only safeguard against the 
tyrannical abuses of Autocratic Rule. 

Ninth — 

I believe it to be the duty of America, at all times, to 
oppose — the schemes, unjust, inhumane and frightful, of an 
unbridled militarism. 

Tenth— 

I believe an exhaustive war, of Democracy versus Autocracy, 
to be righteous and just — the only 'means by which to secure 
permanent peace for the nations of earth ; and I believe it the 
duty of each American citizen, of either sex, to sustain the 
President of the United States by lending all possible aid 
toward the destruction of all forces which may, now or here- 
after, threaten the dignity, rig-hts, well-being and security, 
of Organized Society. 

Moreover, 1 believe that American Ideals, American Freedom, 
American Equity, American Charity, American Industry, American 
Courage, American Loyalty audi Patriotism; and, as has been clearly 
proven, America's real test of Democracy, will, eventually, by elevated 
example, bring: all nations to the same high plane of Peace and 
Happiness. 



So much for a CREED, in prose, for all good American citizens. 

If too "prosiac" for some of the more sentimentally inclined of 
our people, let us, then, suggest a prettier version of patriotic feeling, 
in the following verses : 

TO AMERICA — THE LAND OF FREEDOM AND RIGHT. 

My Country ! born of faith in Jeffersonian Creed, 
Nurtured and strengthened, by confederated bond; 
Carried on to full maturity, to suit thy fundamental need. 
Thou art secure, throughout thy past, thy present — and beyond. 

Great Nation ; builded upon sound truths self-evident and fair, 

Adorned, by education's saving grace and power; 

Thy moral tone, derived from Freedom's air. 

Will stand thee stead, when darkening war-clouds lower. 

AMERICA! thou Liberal, in the Avorship of thy God, 
Thou ministering angel, to the poor of other lands ; 
When autocratic empires, fall 'neath chastening rod, 
Erect thou'lt be — sustained by God's own hand. 



SPECIAL SELECTIONS. ■ 29 

Republic Great ! thy treasures vast, from Nature's store, 
Will flow, in never ceasing- stream, from out tlie earth ; 
So that, natheless thy present people profit much and more, 
Wise Conservation — will estop all future dearth. 

O ! Land of Freedom ! never shall the autocratic bane. 
Of militaristic tyranny invade, thy vale or hill ; 
While Fair Democracy, God- given, safe and sane, 
Proclaims thy people's power and heeds thy people's will. 

My Country Grand ! ! thy duty and thy people's duty too, 
Demands of thee and them, that ye shall never cease; 
To fight for Principle, the Good, the "Beautiful and True," 
Until the WORLD be clothed, in lasting Peace!!! 



Again, why not feast our patriotic spirit on a little song-poem 
suggested by the Muse, upon that memorable fifth of June, 1917; 
when our SELECTIVE DRAFT supplied the extra needed quota, for 
our over-sea armies. 

!i: :|: * * 

WAR SONG OF AMERICA. 

America ! we love thy name, 
Thy Liberty, of deathless fame ; 
Thy Right on land, thy rights on sea, 
O! Glorious Land of Liberty! 

And so. we patriots true arise. 
To shout thy glories to the skies ; 
To drive all vandals, from the earth, 
Whose terrors, vain, despise thy worth. 



America! thy history's page, 
Tliat fills each despot-heart, with rage; 
With courage high, our senses thrill. 
Responsive to thy people's will. 



And so, we patriots true, arise. 
To sliout thy glories to the skies ; 
To sweep those vandals from the earth 
Who, by mad acts dispute thy worth. 



America! we heed thy call, 
The high and lowly, great and small; 
To arms ! to arms ! the welkin rings. 
With war, that peaceful freedom brings. 



And so, we patriots, all arise, 
To shout thy glories to the skies 
To scourge all vandals, from the earth, 
Whose insane deeds, deny thy worth. 



30 SPECIAL SELECTIONS. 

JUPITER PLUVIUS. 
(A Symphony in Prose and Verse.) 

The following incident, deductns ex Natura de Natnra (from 
Nature and of Nature) is submitted tO' the reader as a unique speci- 
men of narration to be contrasted according- to his taste or mental 
equipment; and his choice made accordingly, when the two styles 
of rendition are considered: 

Style No. 1. 

A Southern field- sportsman, of my acquaintance, relates this story 
from real life. 

"A dark, drizzly, morning of our recent hunting season found me, 
accompanied by my two setter dogs, Gladstone and Captain, wending 
my way toward some choice bird ranges beyond the city. 

A most unexpected thunder shower had just come upon us and 
we were decidedly dejected and disappointed at the outlook for a suc- 
cessful day's sport. 

We had counted on sunshine and frost temperature, but had en- 
countered murkiness, clouds, the heavy shower and seventy-nine de- 
grees Fahrenheit. 

With the spirit of disconsolate disappointment sitting heavily 
upon us, both hunter and dogs, we happened to meet old Uncle Reuben 
Barnes, a dark-skinned representative of the good old ante-bellum 
days, trudging toward us in the exact middle of the fast muddying 
road. 

TTie meeting, of itself, meant a talk ; for' no one, who knows 
Uncle Reuben and his characteristics, will ever risk the chance of not 
getting an expression of opinion from such a notable holder of 
orthodox A^ews on religion and philosophy. 

I opened the conversation, with "Good morning, Uncle Reuben! 
you look like a prophet who can foretell the weather and you are a 
good Christian man, as Avell — noAV, I Avant to know why" you did not 
pray for better AA^eather for to-day?" 

Looking up, eagerly, with his usual quizzical smile, he replied in 
clear, forceful tones: "Why, Boss, I did pray fer good AA^edder; me 
and Mandy, dat's my Avife, Suh, sho' did pray fer good wedder. bofe 
uv us, las' night an' dis mornin', too!" 

But, said I, "Your prayei's don't seem to haA'e been answered this 
time!" 

"Yes Suh, I knoAVS dat fer a fac' ; but den I don' spec' my iiraars 
to be heeded all de time ; fer He knoAVSi' better an us does whut is de 
bes' fer us." 

Well ! Uncle Reuben, it may be that you did not pray to the right 
one!" 

With genuine surprise overspreading his ebon features, he 
ansAvered as quick as a flash: ' "Huceom' so, Suh? Answer me dat, 
Suh ! "Then, pausing, as though to gather full force for his pro- 
nouncement, he continued: "Yes, Suh! I wants de worl' to know 
dat I prays to de Lawd God Almighty, fer all de blessin's Ave needs 



SPECIAL SELECTIONS. 31 

in dis sinful worl' ; an' I ain't got no use fei'' de man ur woman, who 
don' trus' de Lord fer ^vy'tliing!" 

But, quotli I, "Uncle Reuben! 'tis this way, about the weather! 
About a million years ago, when the Creator of the Universe fashioned 
this little Earth of ours and placed us humans on it, he appointed an 
AGENT, to take care of the weather; while He attended to the only 
really important thing in our life here below, the saving- of the lost 
souls of men ! Yes, old man, He called Jupiter Pluvius to Him and 
placed him over the Aveather, for all time to come!" 

After due deliberation, he answered: "Well, Suh, dat do soun' 
]-eason'ubble ; an' (still pondering), whut you say dat-man' name is? 
Fer, ef I mus' pray to 'im, I wants to be sh'o' dat de name is de same 
ez you done 'splained to me, so's I kin go home an' tell Mandy, 'bout 
'im!" 

Noting his suddenly aroused interest, I repeated "Jupiter Pluvius" 
is his name; but he is more a spirit than a man, I should think!" 

Yes, Suh, you is right d'yar; an' you say his name is Jupiter 
Pluvus ? 

"All right, Suh, much obleeged to you; I'se gwine right home an' 
tell Mandy; so's we kin git it right de nex' time; an' den (with 
great unction) Ave kin pray de good Lord to give de order to He' 
ag-ent — Marse Jupiter Pluve!!!" 

Good mornin', Suh!" 

And, down the road he went, repeating every few seconds, 
"Jupiter Pluvus!" "Jupiter Pluvus!" "Jupiter Pluvus!" and the last 
echo of his deep-set, earnest voice, came 'round the bend, "I knoAVS 
it," "I knows it," 'tis JUPITER PLUVE." 

Pricking- up his ears, Gladstone, the older setter, looked up Avith 
an expressive tAvinkle in his eye; and Captain grinned a humorous 
grin. 

The seasoned sportsman aa-Iio may read this latter statement, will 
readily accept its verity ; for he, at least, knoAA-s the Avonderful powers 
of appreciation, of the first-class bird-dog! 

Such Avas the narration of my sportsman friend and, being some- 
AAdiat of a rhymster, I turned the tale into verse, claiming it as my 
OAvn experience, as follows, to-Avit: 

JUPITER PLUVE. 
Style No. 2. 

I met an old darkey, Avhile going bird hunting, 

In the middle of the road, on a drear, murky day; 

Disgusted, disgruntled and mentally grunting, 

I accosted the old uncle, and this AA-as my lay. 
"Good morning, old man, you look like a prophet. 

Can foretell the weather; and a Christian, as Avell; 

A good Christian man, Avho will never see Tophet" : 
"You is right, Suh, edzactly, ef by dat AA'ord. you means Hell!" 



32 SPECIAL SELECTIONS. 

"But ez to de weclder, I duuno 'bout dat, 
Mos' ingin'ally, I prays fer de wedder we need; 
Sometimes, even den, my praars, dey falls flat, 
Becase de good Lord, won' gi' me no heed." 

Quoth I, "But, old man, you may'nt pray the right one. 

When the blessing- of weather, is what you are after" ; 

"Huccom' so, Suh," and seemed quite completely undone, 

When a glance at my eye, showed, in it, dumb laughter. 

"Answer me dat, Suh ! I prays to de Lawd God Almighty, 
For evy'thing needed, in dis world nv; woe; 
An' I mus' say, dat I thinks dat pusson flighty. 
Who don' trus' de LAWD, fer de rain an' de snow!" 

"But, 'tis thisi way, old man ; what 1 tell you is true. 
The Lord chose an agent, in the centuries ago ; 
Jupiter Pluvius He appointed, with naught else to do, 
Than to 'tend to the weather, with its rain and its snow: 
For, the Lord was too busy, with the lost souls of men. 
To bother with such things, as sunshine and rain ; 
So, He called Jupiter PluAdus to Him and then. 
Gave him charge of the weather; and now it is plain. 
That the Lord does not handle the snow and the rain!" 

"Is dat so, Suh? Ain't you foolin' me? an' wliut's de man-name? 
Fer ef I mus' pray to 'im, I wants to be sho' ; 
Dat whut I mus' call him, will be jus' de same, 
When I offers my praars, for de rain an' de snow !" 

"Jupiter Pluvius, old man": not an inch did he move. 
But repeated just after me "Jupiter Pluve." 

I nodded ; and bowing, he went on his way. 
And, for every ten steps, I could hear him still say ; 
His memory's prowess, desiring to prove, 
"I knoAvs it," I knows it!" 'tis Jupiter Pluve!!! 



And now, ye enlightened ones are ye sure that YE saw? 
That, by JUPITER PLUVIUS, was meant— 

NATURAL LAW. 



THE' LADDIES OF FAME! 

O ! who has not heard, of The Ladder of Fame, 
That leads up to glory, and deeds of emprise? 
But, what of the phrase so near it, in name. 
The "Fire-Laddies of fame." whose feats reach the skies? 
. Brave Fire-Laddies! 



SPECIAL SELECTIONS. 32 

Protection of property, of life and of limb, 
Is placed, by the law, in their valorous hands ; 
And no one may say, that thein giory can dim. 
When we think of the work, of these thrice- splendid bands. 
Splendid Fire-Laddies! 

They brave the rough elements — wind, rain and snow. 
Through storm and through tempest, through heat and through fire; 
On watch and alert, always ready to go, 
Despite terrible risks, that are dreadful and dire. 
The Alert Fire-Laddies! 

At the very first stroke, of the "clangor of bell," 
Tliey are "up and away," for the place of the call ; 
And soon, will they sound the Fire Demon's knell, 
As fiercely they pounce on him, through roof and through wall. 
Ever-Ready Fire-Laddies ! 



So, we give them due credit, for their fine noble work, 
And, as climbing the ladders, they're gritty and game ; 
We dub them., as they, clearly, no dangers will shirk, 
Tlie brave and all- valorous, 

FIRE-LADDIES OF FAME ! ! ! 



Note: — The above verses were inspired by close observation, 
through many years, of the splendid conduct, at all times, of the 
Vicksburg, Mississippi, Fire Department.) 



WE'RE A LONG WAY, NOW, FROM ALTRURIA. 



Full many a word, that's spoke in jest, 
A serious fact discloses ; 
That boldly struts, at Truth's behest, 
From 'mid some human poses ! 



In ancient days, Hibernia's Isle, 
Renowned, in song and story ; 
Possessed a legend, would beguile; 
And crown her fame with glory : 

'Tis said, a "gulden guinea" bright. 
Could on a stump be left ; 
Yet, untouched be by Irish wight, 
E'en though, of "scads" bereft. 



34 SPECIAL SELECTIONS. 

When t'was relate' to Father P, 
Our wise and well-known Domine; 
He paused for just a little while, 
ITien, with a pensive saddened smile, 
Quoth he, as true as from Romana Curia; 

"Alas! we're a long way NOW. from Altruria!!!' 



HELEN KELLER. 

Out from the Depths, of seeming Dark, 
Emerged an Intellect, fired bj^ the Spark, 
Of GENIUS! 

Fraught with a Wealth, from Philosophy's hoard, 
Deep-down in her Mind, as a Birthright stored; 
By DIVINITY!! 

Compensation bestowed, when reached — the Light, 
Proving that, ever, the ways be right, 
Of GOD ! ! ! 



THAT CLUB- SANDWICH. 

(Pen-pictured, from life.) 

When finished were my daily stunts. 
And, tired and weary, just for once; 
I hied me to my room, to rest, 
A- wondering what would give me zest, 
A sandwich, rare, knocked at my door, 
And asked. — 

To enter in ! 

Right up I got, and to the door, 
Across the Brussels-velvet floor: 
I hurried fast, to see, forsooth, 
Were it a dream or "lasting truth?'" 
Arrived, and opening Avide the door, 
I answered — "Enter in!" 

For, on a china platter wide. 
That sandwich rare, appeared to me; 
As A'ision from fair Araby : 
Itsi odors, too, so richly dressed, 
Reminded, of that land so bless't: 
I repeated — "Enter in !" 



SPECIAL SELECTIONS. 35 

I took it in ; and tlien and there, 
Be-sat me in my easy cliair; 
To feast my eyes, and olfac' nerves, 
Before tlie inner man that serves. 
To satisfy and please, 

Insisted — "Enter in!" 

No canvas-baclv nor terrapin, 

Could, vsdth such ease have entered in ; 

As that fair sandwich, plastered o'er, 

With delicacies, spread galore, 

On each seductive slice: 

I cried out — "Enter in!" 

So, to the proper portal wide. 

And, toward the realm, where it could hide. 

Conducted, was that sandwich rare, 

As light and fluffy as the air. 

In rarefacted atmosphere: 

I besought it — "Enter in!" 

There ne'er was yet, beneath the sky, 
A morsel, that, with it could vie ; 
The palate's taste to gratify (and satisfy) 
With such delicious flavor; 

For, it had entered in ! ! ! 



When all was gone and memory came, 

I reck'd, I had not asked its name ; 

When, from the depths — "Ay! there's (where's) the rub," 

The name came, whispered S AND- WICH- CLUB. 

Note:— 

Sandwich eaten at 1:45 P. M. 

Idea suggested, two seconds later. 

Poem completed, at 2:29 P. M., 

Oct. 6th, 1918. 
It may also be noted that the) lady who "decocted" the sandwich 
of the poem, enjoys an enviable reputation, as a most wonderful 
preparer of all kinds of palatable delights. 



36 SPECIAL SELECTIONS. 

A MIRACLE MAN. 
(An Extravaganza.) 

That bard, Berton Braley, like Barnum and Bailey. 
Comes on, Avitli a new thing-, begosh ! almost daily : 
No matter what anyone said, with' a shake of his head. 
And, though one may quiz? makes never a fizz, 
Treating grave things gravely, and gay things gayly ; 

And that's how it is, how it really is. 

When he seats him to write, touching Romance the sprite, 
In phrases and rhythm, sempiternally bright; 
Despite what any old bloke "may claim with a croak," 
Bard SHELLEY lie beats and he outshines KEATS, 
While, of POE'S fame-leader, he loosens the cleats: 

And that's how it is, how it really is. 

And then, when he flies through didactical skies, 

And, an aeroplanic philosopher, continues to; rise; 

No critic may say him nay: 

For, he soars above POPE (at the end of his rope), 

And surpasses Henry W (with his double-distilled dope) ; 

So, again, I may say — my say. 

That's how it is, how it really is. 



Nothing new 'neath the sun, is a maxim that's run, 
Through aeons and cycles, since time first begun ; 
But take it from me that son-of-a-gun, 
Berton Braley, into vers-a-tile fabric, has spun, 
Every species of thread from deep pathos to fun. 
Unheard of before ; and, yet, he's not done : 

So, proceed, Berton B, with your rhythmical spree; 
And, if you please others, just as you please me, 
They'll pray that you poetize — through ETE'RNITY: 

And that's how it is and always will be ! ! ! 



SPECIAL SELECTIONS. 



IN MEMORIAM. 
(The great men of earth are truly measured, by their standards.) 

In the late afternoon, of a beautiful "day of life" ; in the supernal 
radiance of a lofty influence; in the full emblazonry of deserved suc- 
cess, our peerless prince of merchants, exemplar of true citizenship 
and model of integrity, has passed from the crucible of trial, into the 
audience- chamber of reward, borne by "that mysterious tide which 
ebbs but never flows." 

All virtues' were his ! 

Delicate in sympathetic Impulse as a "woman among women" ; 
yet strong in, character as an oak in virgin soil, he kept the "even 
tenor of his way," beloved by all who knew him, respected by all 
who merely heard his name; honored by all acquainted with his 
fame ! 

By the surpassing grace of his association, he up-lifted, refined 
and gave immeasurable joy to hundreds of his fellowmen. 

He added, by a beautiful example, to the glory of correct living. 
He spoke a language, by his actions, more potent than the power of 
words. 

He radiated, by his charity, an influence more beautiful than the 
beauty of the stars. 

He reflected, by his modest worth, a light mellower than the sun's 

light upon the moon. 

* * * 

No word of ill was ever spoken 'gainst his name, 
No word of ill to others, was ever known to pass his justice- 
tempered lips. 

A well-nigh perfect man has crossed into the Great Beyond! 
Imitate his virtues ! Rejoice that he has lived and mouni not at 
all. 

Shed tears of joy, not sorrow, 

For, on the glad to-morrow; 

We may know the Wisdom of the plan 

That earth would nurture such a man!!! 



38 SPECIAL SELECTIONS. 

GOD AND MAN. 

Who says, in his heart: "There is no God," 
Is tlie "fool," in sacred song; 
Wlio sees not, in nature, the power of His Nod, 
Is a poor vain mortal gone wrong. 

For, God made our world, and glorified man, 
Above all his creatures below ; 
To others — He gave mere instinct to scan, 
To man, He gave power to know. 

Nay more, He made man in His Image Divine, 
From the dust, of a trackless void; 
By blowing His breath, as a strengthening wine. 
In his nostrils: His method employed! 

He sent us a Christ, to a world wrapped in sin, 
Regeneration — the God- given leaven ; 
To wean us from sin, to bring us back in, 
To that "Home for the Soul," in His heaven. 

There's no room for doubt, in the sound mind of man, 

In the OMNIPOTENCE, that first fashioned all; 

EX NIHILO OMNIA (from nothing all things), that was His plan. 

From the greatest, e'en down to the small. 

Evolution has no place, no foundation-stone. 
No reasoning base, iii; God's FIAT- willed world; 
AVhile faith in His Power, alone can atone, 
As through human earth-life, we're whirled. 



"We sing the glories, of Jesus' Cause, 
We bow us, beneath the rod ; 
We praise our place, in Nature's laws. 
We sing the Glory cf God ! ! ! 



(Note: — A sermon of Dr. Bulgin, Evangelist, transposed into 
verse; and declared, by him, to be correct in its interpretations, and. 
In his opinion, a gem.) 



PEN PICTURES. 39 



Pen Pictures -*^ ^~ 



THE .ESTHETIC DANCER. 

Like to a sylph, on gold-leaf wings, 
She flits across the stage; 
Becrowned with grace, as the music rings, 
'Pon the fairest form., on Nature's page. 



She times her steps, to the. silvered tone. 
Of the Music-Master's theme; 
Interpreting, as tho' alone, 
In the soft embrace of a dream. 



Her eyes that shine, as glowing stars. 

Are cast toward HeaA^en's Dome; 

Her thoughts seem far, as the Planet Mars, 

From the scenes of Earth and Home. 



Her lissome body, filled with grace, 
Responds to\ the theme she feels ; 
Each gestured-movement, in its place, 
From finger tips, to twinkling heels. 



Her nut-brown tresses, float around ; 
As clouds, 'pon a Summer's day ; 
But light, as drifting eider-down, 
Or the tread, of a Fairy Fay. 



She glides and flits, she flits and glides ; 
Till her Art, all must adore; 
Like the rhythmic flow of recurring tides. 
As they come — to old Ocean's shore. 



No fabled Nymph in the Isles of Greece, 
No Faun in the groves of France ; 
Could e'er surpass, or bear compare, 
With Maid Marian, in hen dance. 



40 



PEN PICTURES. 



TO A CHARMING BRUNETTE. 

O! cliarming- E, of the limpid orbs, 
And hair, of sunny brown ; 
You're lovely, when you stage a smile, 
And almost — when you frown. 

For soon, I know, a smile will chase, 
Iii'ach temperamental frown ; 
Restoring well, your beauty-face, 
With its beatific crown. 



Your mind is like pellucid dew, 
That freshens, every hour; 
The hearts of loved ones, lovinj 
As the dew, revives the flower. 



you. 



Your heart Is warm, and quick to love, 
Where others' love is true; 



Methinks the angels, up above, 
HAVE NOTHING MUCH ON YOU!! 



TO JEANETTE. 

Hair like the raven's wing, 
Eyes bright as sun-rays; 
How she can dance and sing 
Filling all — with amaze. 



Sweet as the honey- dew, 
Sipped by the bees; 
Out of the honeysuckle, 
Down on the leas. 

Cheeks like the roses, 
Tinted by Nature's Dame; 
For whom. Art poses. 
But never, the same. 

With form light and airy, 
And full of soft curves; 
She's just like a fairy, 
All hearts, she un-nerves. 

Now, who is this w^onder-girl? 
What will you bet. 
With senses all-a-whirl, 
That 'tis not our Jeanette? 



Sweet little coquette!!! 



PEN PICTURES. 41 

HIS GOLDEN CROWN. 



Our Bill deserves a golden crown : 
He'll get it, as sure as you're born; 
When Gabriel blows his trumpet- blast, 
On the Glad Resurrection Morn. 



He's a fisher of fish, and a fisher of men, 
Like those on Galilee ; 

And, he'll, surely, bring — a glorious string, 
At the close of our Jubilee. 



He's a glutton for work, and ne'er did lie shirk 
His Christian duties clear; 
For he knows of the life, 'yond eartlily strife. 
Than earth-life far more dear. 



He goes at each task, with muscle and brawn. 
And labors, both early and late ; 
To gather and reap, in that far-off Dawn, 
By the side of The Golden Gate. 



Yes, Bill has won his golden crown. 

And he'll wear it, as sure's you're born. 

When Gabriel sounds his trumpet loud. 

On THE GREAT RESURRECTION MORN!!! 



42 PEN PICTURES. 

THE BLUE BIRD. 

(Of Eagle Lake.) 

The "Blue Bird" skims, on the Eagle's breast, 

The East Wind plays, 'pon the wavelets crest; 

The wild ducks fly, with fear-born zest, 

From the Blue Bird's course, as slie speeds to the West. 



There isi nothing finer, in Nature's realm, 

Than to ride the swift Blue Bird, Conway at the helm ; 

And look across, at the changing hues, 

Of sky and water and the willow-wood views. 



She plows through the waves, like a thing of life, 
And, a marvelous craft she seems ; 
Such a one, as when Morphean fluid is rife. 
We see — from our Isle of Dreams. 



So, hail to the Blue Bird, beautiful boat ! 

And hail to her helmsman true ; 

A fitter pair, ne'er sailed through the air, 

Nor coursed, on the waters blue. 

Long may they glide, on the bounding wave. 

Of Lake Eagle's matchless breast ; 

And, may Fortune Fair, choice bounties save, 

For them both, from her storeroom's best ! ! ! 




JINGLES.. 

~^ ^ Jingles 

THAT WORLD WAR. 

'Tis said that General Sherman, once, 
Proclaimed that Wai^ is Hell; 
But, I can prove that man a dunce, 
Who for this fable fell ! 



When M-irelessed, Tecumseh's Shade, 
In the realm, he's passing through ; 
Declared he'd ne'er the statement made; 
And yet, he'd swear 'tis true. 



So much for fact and truth ! ah well ! 
I close this meager verse; 
The European War could not be hell, 
Since it was "ten times worse!!!" 



O'ER LIFE'S STONY ROAD. 

Once on a time, a young . . . Dr. 

Who rejoiced in the surname of . . . Pr. ; 

Fell in love, at the home of a ..... . Mr., 

With that gentleman's handsome j^oung Sr. ; 

VOWED — o'er "life's stony road," to . . . as-sr. 

And Avhen she agreed — then lie kr. ! 

Quoth he, "For life I'm your . . . Dr., 
Truly yours, for worse or for br. ; 

And, I want you, ma tres belle cherie, for my "missus," 

JOHN PROCTOR, M. D. 



44 JINGLES. 

THE TITLES THREE. 

A jiiigler, once, was asked to write, 

A piece of humorous verse ; 

So that it might, THREE titles haA'e, 

Eacli — witty, true and terse : 

JjO, this is wliat he writ, to- wit: 



"If pigs were fifty cents apiece, 
I could not buy a squeal: 
If lemons stood, at five cents each, 
I could not get a peel ; 
And, while this liorrid war, is on, 
I have not e'en the price. 
Of any part of a julep, save 
The water and the ice." 



And thus he claimed, the titles three. 
For the verse, which he had sent ; 

"A Slim Exchequer," "An Hyperbole," 
and 
"The Toper's Last Lament!!!" 



EGGS-ACTLY SO. 

If fresh country eggs, sell at 20 cents per, 
Tliere is no one on earth, who would ever demur ; 

To pay, for his brain-food, such' moderate price. 

But when caterers add hot water, teaspoon and cup, 
Cruet, pepper and salt, to season them up ; 

And charge their poor patrons 9P-per; 'tis not nice. 

For, their profit, 'tis clear, is just "three-fifty" per cent 
Sufficient to break all their patrons, though it pay all the rent. 

If other foods stood at that same fearful rate. 

'Tls extortion, pure and simple, forbidden by law; 
So, let them take warning, let it stick in their craw; 

Before they find, their reform — comes too late. 

For, extortion, forsooth, is a rank misdemeanor, 

In the law books, indeed, there is no Mister — meaner: 

A singular fact ; but 'tis true. 

So, caterers ! beware ! I beseech you, beware. 
Reform your high rates and be fair; 

Or the SOLONS will get after j-ou!!! 



DIALECT POEMS. 45 



^> <^ Dialect Poems <^^ <^t> 

(With the "Old Virginia" Impress.) 

"IN SASSAFRAS DIGGIN' ROOT TIME." 

Yes! chile — it's a mighty long time ago. 
En' ole John wuz in his prime ; 
En' dere's ben a menny a'falL a'snow, 
Sence dat "Sassafras Diggin' Root Time!" 



It's a cu'ns tale I'm gwinter tell, 
En' de) subjec' uv my speech, am a dime — 
Whut ole Marse 'gin me, I 'member it well; 
T'wuz in "Sassafras Diggin' Root Time." 



He call-me up to de poach, one day, 
En' sez he "Here John, here's a dime! 
Fu' to 'member me by" — dem, words he say, 
T'wuz in "Sassafras Diggin' Root Time." 



Ole Marse, he sot a'heap a'sto' by me. 
En' wuz 'bleeged fu' to have me, by 'im. 
But de nex' day he died — t'wuz boundter bo; 
"In Sassafras Diggin' Root Time." 



We toted his coffin, to de old buryin' ground 
Wid de niggers — all bustin' out cryin' ; 
But I knowed his soul, wuz safe en' sound, 
Dat "Sasafras Diggin' Root Time" : 



Fu' de Lawd, in his mussy, en' de Cliris' in his'n, 
Mus' a'thought 'bout de filth en' de grime, 
Surroundin' his soul, in dis 'uthly pris'n ; 
Dat "Sassafras Diggin' Root Time" : 



46 DIALECT POEMS. 

So dey took him up, to de sliiniu' Heaben, 
Away — from de mud en' de slime, 
To live fur' eber, wid Chris' en' de 'leben— , 
In "Sassafras Diggin' Root Time." 

T"is nigh on now to forty-year ago, 

But — I'se alluz toted dat dime, 

Fu' to member ole Marse, en' his soul uv snow, 

Ev'y "Sassafras Diggin' Root Time." 

En' now pretty soon, ole John mus' go too, 
En' Avhen, at de gates I spy 'im. 
He'll beg Marse Jesus to let John through, 
Come — "Sassafras Diggin' Root Time." 



Just one month later, OLD JOHN WAS FOUND, 
In the woods, with his silver piece by him ; 
DEAD — but true to the ladder's last round ; 
T'was in "Sassafras Diggin' Root Time." 



"DEM BACK TIMES." 

(Old Jim Houtchins was a slave in the "Green Springs" neigh- 
borhood of A^irginia — "befo' de war" — and laments as follows upon 
The manifold characteristics and failings of the negro of the present 
generation.) 

Tse 'sot in my little roadside shop, er many an' er many a day 
A'thinking 'bout dem BACK-TIMES, in dem years whut's gone away, 
En de mo' I set, en de mo' I think, de mo' is I retched dis conclusion ; 
Dat de averige nigger, ain't fitten ez a mink — 
Fu' de freedom in de Constitusion ! 

p]n I meditate 'bout dem back-times' 
When slavery wuz "by de law" ; 
Dem back-times, in de "Green Springs," 
Dem back- times fo' de wa.' 



DIALECT POEMS. 47 

Do 'fyai'S uv Virginny, en cle 'fyars uv de Nation, kin git along a 

mighty lieap better widout, 
De mo' est \\v de niggers uv dis gineration, a'pokin in uv dere long 

snout 
Ii\i' de mo' dat Ign'ance run de^ boat, uv de State UR UV DE NATION; 
De mo'est certain is — she ain' gwi' float, en ain' gwi' stan' her 

probation ! 



En I memorize 'bout dem back-times, 

When slavery wuz by 'de law'^ — - 

Dem back-times in de "Green Springs, etc., etc. 



You needen' talk tu' ME — you jes' wais'in' yo' breath, 'bout de nigger 

en his edification. 
An' er fitten er HIM fu' de' fyars uv state, er fu' enny other high 

re-lation: 
Fu' I ain' see whar he ever is risen, by ennything got out'ner 

schoolin' 
'Cept tis — he mos'times gits sont to pris'n, fu' forgin' ur some Bich 

a'foolin' ! 

E'n de mo' does I 'member dem back- times, etc., etc., 
Uv cose — dey is some, dat don' git spiled, but dey's few en fur 

between, 
En de ign'ant ones is sho' ter git riled, ef DEY tempt tu' run de 

machine ; En ergin — dey is SOME, clum' er higher en a'higher ; 

wid out enny shoven ur a'holpen, 
T'well dey let go dey holt — wid a' swimmin' in de head; en fall back 

— tu' bus' wide open ! ! 



Jes' give ole Jim — dem back-times, 
When slavery avuz 'by de law' 
Dem back-times in de "Green Springs," 
Dem back-times 'FO DE WA'. 



But de — NIGGER LAN' OWNER — is de po'est in de lot, 
En he hoi's his head high'ern thunder; 
Ef he ain' got mo' en JES — enough dirt. 
To bury a TUMBLER BUG under! 



48 DIALECT POEMS. 

I AIN' GOT NO PATIUNCE WID NO SICH DO'IN, 
En I longs fu' cle 'cision uv de law — 
Ef dis state uv things is gwine tn' en' IN RUINV 
Fu' dem back-times — 'zistin' fo de wa'. 



Jes' to give ole Jim dem back-times, 

When slavery wuz 'by de law,' 

Dem back-times in de "Green Springs," 

(Wid ole Marse William), 

DEM BACK-TIMES 'FO DE WA' ! ! ! 



Finis coronat opus. 



THE AUTHOR. 



















p'^. 






Heckman 



BINDERY, INC. 
Bound-To-Please* 

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